Peer pressure: expert advice on how to deal with it and stay true to yourself

The desire to fit in can sometimes make it feel like you have to do what everyone else is doing, even if you don't want to. But it doesn't have to be that way

Of all the influences in your life, one of the biggest is your group of peers. While you’re busy trying to find your own sense of identity, it’s your peers who you’ll look to for inspiration. Of course, friends can be a positive influence, but not always. The years of our teens, up to early adulthood are often when we feel most vulnerable and unsure of ourselves, and the desire to fit in and be accepted can make us give into peer pressure.

Clinical psychologist Dr Andrew Adler, a Hong Kong-based clinical psychologist from the US, has seen first-hand the causes and effects of peer pressure on young people.

“I have treated many teenagers who have social difficulties,” he said. “Often, these teenagers are shy or have low self-esteem. They give in to peer pressure, usually trying to join with other teenagers with the hope of feeling part of a group or becoming better liked.”

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There’s nothing unusual about wanting to be accepted. Humans are social creatures, and it makes evolutionary sense for us to want to belong to a particular tribe, and to adhere to the norms of that tribe – in the past, that’s how we survived.

Our teen and early adult years can also often be a time when family relationships become more strained. You may find yourself feeling misunderstood by your parents, or at war with your siblings. This makes our friendships and the bonds we choose to accept in our lives even more important. If we can’t feel seen or valued by our parents or teachers, then we need to know we can count on our peers.

It’s no wonder, therefore, that the fear of being isolated can lead some young people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do.

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“The result of giving into peer pressure can be serious,” said Adler. “Peer pressure may cause some to engage in harmful or dangerous behaviours such as smoking, drinking alcohol or using illegal drugs – just to name a few.” 

What’s more, said Adler, “peer pressure rarely solves problems such as shyness and self-esteem. These problems are often the result of anxiety and low self-confidence and peer pressure may make these difficulties worse.”

So while doing things like smoking or drinking may seem “normal” because others are is doing it, it’s important to realise that joining in may not achieve the desired affect – after all, can we really feel accepted for who we are if we aren’t being ourselves in the first place?

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Having said that, overcoming peer pressure takes courage. “Resisting peer pressure, although difficult, is possible to achieve with some effort,” said Adler. “Reminding yourself that giving in to peer pressure will not solve problems such as shyness and poor self-esteem is very important.”

It’s also important to find friends who won’t make you feel like you need to change who you are to be accepted. “Find someone with a similar interest and join that person in activities you both enjoy,” suggested Adler.

“These activities could include art or sports, for example. Finding others with common interests often helps a person become less shy and build confidence more generally.”

This article was curated by Young Post 

Kids Told Lies by Parents Can Face Psychological Challenges as Adults

By Janice Wood 

A new study suggests that children who were told lies by their parents are more likely to lie as adults, as well as face difficulty in meeting psychological and social challenges.

According to researchers at Nanyang Technological University in Singapore, those difficulties include disruptiveness, conduct problems, experiences of guilt and shame, as well as selfish and manipulative character.

For the study, researchers asked 379 Singaporean young adults whether their parents lied to them when they were children, how much they lie to their parents now, and how well they adjust to adulthood challenges.

“Parenting by lying can seem to save time, especially when the real reasons behind why parents want children to do something is complicated to explain,” said lead author Setoh Peipei, Ph.D., an assistant professor in NTU Singapore’s School of Social Sciences.

“When parents tell children that ‘honesty is the best policy’, but display dishonesty by lying, such behavior can send conflicting messages to their children. Parents’ dishonesty may eventually erode trust and promote dishonesty in children.”

“Our research suggests that parenting by lying is a practice that has negative consequences for children when they grow up,” she continued. “Parents should be aware of these potential downstream implications and consider alternatives to lying, such as acknowledging children’s feelings, giving information so children know what to expect, offering choices and problem-solving together, to elicit good behavior from children.”

For the study, the 379 young adults completed four online questionnaires.

The first questionnaire asked participants to recall if their parents told them lies that related to eating; leaving and/or staying; children’s misbehavior; and spending money. Some examples of such lies are “If you don’t come with me now, I will leave you here by yourself” and “I did not bring money with me today, we can come back another day.”

The second questionnaire asked participants to indicate how frequently as adults they lied to their parents. It asked about lies in relation to their activities and actions; prosocial lies (or lies intended to benefit others); and exaggerations about events.

Lastly, participants filled in two questionnaires that measured their self-reported psychosocial maladjustment and tendency to behave selfishly and impulsively.

The analysis found that parenting by lying could place children at a greater risk of developing problems, such as aggression, rule-breaking and intrusive behaviors, according to the researchers.

Some limitations of the study include relying on what young adults report about their retrospective experience of parents’ lying.

“Future research can explore using multiple informants, such as parents, to report on the same variables,” suggested Setoh.

Another area yet to be investigated would be the nature of the lies or goals of the parent, she added.

“It is possible that a lie to assert the parents’ power, such as saying ‘If you don’t behave, we will throw you into the ocean to feed the fish’, may be more related to children’s adjustment difficulties as adults, compared to lies that target children’s compliance, e.g. ‘there is no more candy in the house.’”

“Authority assertion over children is a form of psychological intrusiveness, which may undermine children’s sense of autonomy and convey rejection, ultimately undermining children’s emotional well-being,” she explained.

The study was published in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology.

Source: Nanyang Technological University, Singapore

When your child refuses to go to school, here’s how to respond

 

The start of the school year is full of firsts, including the first dreaded back to school virus — or is it? Often a child’s complaints of illness can be attributed to a physical cause, but sometimes when a child is complaining of a headache or a stomach-ache, that pain could be the physical manifestation of his or her stress and or anxiety. This is the case for up to 5% of children each year who refuse school. So how do parents determine if that stomach-ache is the result of a bug or the result of anxiety or other emotional concern?

The connection between mental and physical health is well documented. The cause of an ailment such as a headache or stomach ache can sometimes be purely physical or purely mental, but it's more often a little of both. Research has shown that stress in children and adults can contribute to physical symptoms as well as the exacerbation of current ailments. It is estimated about 10% of children will complain of pain or illness during the school day, and stress-induced ailments in adults have continued to increase.

In psychology, the term somatization describes how emotional causes contribute to physical symptoms in both adults and children. It’s fairly common; Think about the last time you had a bad day at work and came home with a headache, or were really nervous before a flight and felt stomach pain. Additionally, when experiencing minor discomfort, some individuals may hyper-focus on the discomfort, which can exacerbate those symptoms. For example, a child may be experiencing the usual “butterflies” in the stomach associated with the first day of school, but he or she may become so focused on that sensation that the severity of the symptoms increases.

So, how can you tell whether your child refuses school because of a purely physical ailment, or if there is an emotional component contributing to that ailment?

First, always rule out a medical concern. Remember that a child’s description of their physical pain is real and should not be discounted, but try to further explore its cause. Ask your child questions about school, their friends, teachers, their upcoming math test, who they sit with at lunch, and who they play with at recess. Additionally, write down the times and events when your child is complaining of pain and illness — is it in the morning before school? Are there complaints on the weekends? If your child is refusing school, it may also be helpful to speak with the school psychologist to further explore an underlying emotional issue.

Also, try to determine if your child is contributing to his or her ailment by ruminating over it —often, the stories we tell ourselves can contribute to our anxiety about an illness. If you’ve ever consulted “Dr. Google” for a physical ailment and started to think about all of the potential causes, you’ll understand that children have similar thought patterns. It’s important to determine with your child if that is the case, and clear up any of these fears with developmentally appropriate information. If you think your child may be experiencing pain due to nervousness, be sure to normalize that pain and explore with them potential causes.

Lastly, there is a delicate balance between reassuring your children that they are safe and well, and providing so much reassurance that it begins to feed the anxiety. Children who constantly ask to go to the doctor for minor ailments, or insist they have some sort of disease (when you have ruled out that they don’t) may be engaging in reassurance seeking to decrease the anxiety. This practice may initially decrease anxiety for the short term, but ultimately results in feeding a vicious cycle of increasing his or her anxiety. Acknowledge your child’s physical sensation, help them identify the emotions around them, assure them they are safe, and then engage in other activities in an attempt to distract. They will take your lead. If you are anxious they will be anxious.

The origin of pain and illness is complex and can often have emotional components at their roots. By helping your child identify what is truly a physical ailment, and what is a physical response to stress is or anxiety, can help them cope with their stressors in healthy and productive ways.

Jessica Glass Kendorski is an associate professor and chair of the department of school psychology at the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine (PCOM).

Jessica Kendorski, PhD, NCSP, BCBA-D | @DrJessKendorski | healthykids@philly.com